Let's get to know each other.....

My name is Alison and I am 32 years old. I, despite rough times, am a genuinely happy person. I have been asked many times, by people who see me daily, how I can walk around with a cheerful attitude when I am going through hard times. That is what I want to share with those of you who will take the time to read what I have to say. I have been through being bullied as a child, a ten year relationship that was more abusive than I even realized until much later on, shoplifting and theft issues and the legal issues that resulted from them, losing my mother/best friend to a head~on crash, fleeing abuse and starting over with nothing in an unfamiliar place, learning to forgive those who had hurt me the most, countless moves, breakups that broke my heart, jobs that were unfulfilling, and being let down by countless "friends" that I thought I could count on. I will go into further detail about these things as my blog progresses but I think that gives you a pretty good idea of the lows I have faced along the way. Instead of allowing these "things" to break me, I have found a way to learn from each and every one of them. I have learned how to make sure that I take the steps I need to take to avoid going through some of them again. I have learned to identify how each one has made me better and stronger as a person. I have learned how to look at each of them truly accept them for what they are. Circumstances. Each one devastating in their own way but carrying one common denominator. Each and every single thing we face has a POSITIVE. I can promise you that. Don't give up on me yet. I will explain, I promise! I am sure you want to know how the loss of my mother could possibly carry a POSITIVE. As we go on, I want to make sure that this becomes as obvious to you as it is to me. And it will. You will see how it works and then one day you will notice that you are pointing out POSITIVES to a friend. It will become like second nature to you, as it has become for me. There will be times when people tell you things because they want sympathy and pity. They will either embrace your POSITIVE attitude and want to know how you do it or they will seek out sympathy elsewhere. I hope that you share what I teach you with everyone you know. Keeping it a secret does no good, that is why I am taking the time to share it with you.

"If you don't like something change it; if you can't change it, change the way you think about it" -Mary Engelbreit

 

10/08/11

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Finding strength.....

Everyone has struggles. If you told me you didn't struggle with anything, that would probably be the last conversation we ever had. (Lying is not one of my favorite traits in a person, just sayin') Our struggles are where we learn and where we grow. They are also an opportunity for discovery. We gain the knowledge, when we are at our lowest, of who really cares and who turns away until everything is sunshine and rainbows again. I like sunshine and rainbows as much as anyone, but I have learned to be grateful for the struggles in between, as well. After all, the beauty of a rainbow would likely be diminished if I could look to the sky and see it whenever I wanted, right? It's the rainy storms that make evident it's beauty! 

"Continuous eloquence wearies. Grandeur must be abandoned to be appreciated. Continuity in everything is unpleasant. Cold is agreeable, that we may get warm." ~ Blaise Pascal

During our struggles, we search for answers. We search for comfort and support. We search for peace. All of these can come from obvious places like our families and friends. Sometimes they come from the not so obvious places. I cannot pretend to know what works best for everyone, but I can share what works for me in the hopes that it may help another. When I speak of my faith, I ask that you keep an open mind and apply it to whatever you believe in. The only thing that I will ever adamently insist on, is that you believe in SOMETHING. There has to be SOMETHING that you attribute the impossible to. There needs to be SOMETHING that you turn to in the times when you feel like everyone else has turned away. The greatest thing you could possibly ever do for yourself is to find SOMETHING to put your faith in. If, after me saying that, you think reading about what I choose to believe in is going to offend or bother you, please find another post to read. I can assure you that my faith is unshakeable and no questions or debates will change what I already know.

"In faith there is enough light for those who want to believe and enough shadows to blind those who don't." ~ Blaise Pascal

I can very proudly say that I believe in God and let you all know that I believe that it is through Him that I have made it to where I am in life.  There are things that I have been faced with which I would have never believed, until recently, that I could truly be grateful for. Believing that these things were placed before me by SOMETHING, or in my case by God, helps me to accept that there is a reason for them. My struggles have all been mine and only mine because of a plan that is beyond anything that I could have possibly constructed for myself. My faith that they are of God for a greater purpose in my life brings me comfort when I am handling them since I believe that He would not give me what I cannot handle. I have found that worry is nothing but a big, old waste of time. Worry time is much more productively spent seeking the lesson I am learning while locating a solution to the obstacle I face. When I am hard pressed to find an obvious or possible solution, I wait. I wait and I pray because I know that God ALWAYS makes a way for me. I know because I have seen proof. I know because He has provided for me time and time again.

"People are more generally better persuaded by the reasons which they have themselves discovered than by those which have been discovered by others." ~ Blaise Pascal

I have seen people go through extraordinary circumstances. I have been through extraordinary circumstances myself. Sometimes we look at others and wonder if we could endure what they are going through. That is where I am tonight. There is a family that I know is fighting a battle harder than any I could ever imagine. In October of 2010, my cousin's son was diagnosed with Anaplastic Astracytoma. An 8 year old boy with an inoperable brain tumor and an extraordinary will to live has become known to thousands through a Facebook page that is frequently updated by his parents. Christian's Crusaders has become more than just a page where Christian's parents can update on his status. It has become a place where kind words are shared among people from all over the country and beyond. It is a place where people tell Christian "good morning" when they wake up and "good night" before they go to bed. Some come to tell jokes to Christian, while others come to share stories of their sports teams progress as they all wear their green ~Be Brave - Be Strong~ bracelets. Their are pictures and touching stories posted by Christian's parents along with countless posts telling Christian what a hero he is. The outpouring of love and support that I have been witness to on the Christian's Crusaders page is beyond amazing. To see how many people respond to a post, having never met this family, displays the ability of one little boy to reside in the hearts of so many. It makes me happy to see each and every person respond because it has to be a great comfort to this family as they live everyday with a situation that is out of their control. I am sure that they are well aware that they are not alone in their fight. I am sure because they frequently let everyone know how much they appreciate the support. One example would be a post from yesterday that received 480 likes and 64 comments. Here is what it said:

"Joan and I have prayed 2-3 hours a day since Christian was diagnosed. He's been blessed by 2 Cardinals, numerous healing priests and he has been touched by more religious artifacts than I knew existed. We've witnessed him clinging to life but he has always pulled through. Doctors can't explain it but its pretty obvious to me: God is in control. If God's will is to grant this miracle, smile, and know you were all part of it."

One post details so many things. You learn of Christian's amazing courage and strength. You learn of the multitudes of people who have become interested in the well being of this little boy. You learn of parents who are comforted through their extraordinary faith and who still find time in their busy days to pray. You learn that these parents have a way of including every single one of Christian's Crusaders in every step of his fight and their need to include them all in the miracle that they are all waiting for. Last night came another post. The most recent news was that Christian was on his way to the Emergency Room at Children's Hospital. Within seconds, the comments and posts started pouring in. During the past ten hours, with little more that we could do but wait for an update, the posts have continued. We all wait, knowing we are not alone!

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My toughest day....

My Mommy <3

Seven years. That's how long it has been since I could call her on the phone and tell her Happy Birthday. The last time I made that call was 2004. The year she turned 48. Going off of experience, six November 2nd's worth of it, today (yesterday) is going to be a rough day. When she first passed there were four days a year that seemed unbearable. Four specific days a year that seemed nearly impossible to make it through and the entire Christmas season. To say that they have all gotten better would be a complete lie. It hasn't gotten a bit better any day of the year. Every day she is still gone. Every day I wish I could ask her advice or share a story of something that occurred during my day. People say that time heals and when they say it, you are under the impression that they mean that it will get better. Maybe that is what they mean. Maybe, if they have been through it, that may be the way they have found to put into words how they feel over time. I disagree. Adamently, in fact. The notion that the death of a loved one gets better is a lie! It does not get better. You simply learn to better deal with the loss and your feelings regarding it.

There was always so much anticipation leading up to the day we were born as kids. When we were younger, there was always party planning taking place. As we got older, the parties stopped but Mom always baked the cake of our choice for us to have when we opened our gifts. My favorite cake was of course the most tedious to make since it used egg whites and required hanging it upside down to cool, but there was never a complaint about making me my Angel Food Cake. I remember one birthday where Mom was sick with pneumonia. She ran a daycare and I had never seen her take a single day off. She was never unable to be less than energetic for the kids that were left in her care. The night before my birthday she had called all the parents and asked them to make other plans because she was literally unable to make it off the couch other than to use the bathroom. She woke me up for school and said goodbye as I left to go and get on the bus but she did not say "Happy Birthday". I went through my day completely thinking that she had forgotten it was my birthday and how could I not understand with how she was feeling? When I got home, there was Mom laying on the couch bundled in a blanket with a box of tissues within reach. I put my stuff away and whatever else was my normal routine after school in those days and then I walked into the kitchen. Smack dab in the middle of the kitchen table was the most beautiful Angel Food Cake I have ever seen. At that exact moment I realized how crazy I had been to think that my mother would ever let anything keep her from making my cake, let alone remembering my birthday. These expected acts of love made this a very difficult day to get through once Mom passed. The special loving things she said and did on that day were never going to happen again. On my birthday, I have learned to look forward to the company of my friends. I have used the love that is showered upon me by those that care about me to distract from the fact that I don't receive that one phone call. I have even been lucky enough to be able to look forward to the Angel Food Cake that was made for me every single birthday. The best part is that I think that Kimmy is fully aware that when she bakes my cake, she is not baking it alone. The fact that she puts so much effort into making it and worrying that it is just right is the most beautiful thing someone could do for me on that day. My birthday didn't get better, it got different.

Mother's Day was hard. The first one especially so since it took place four days after her death. Thinking back on it now, I am amazed at the resilience of my brothers and I. We had dinner reservations for us all including my mom. We went and took advantage of those reservations minus one attendee. She was there, there's no doubt about that, but there was no need for a seat at the table. We shared memories and laughed and joked and picked on every staff member who approached our table.   By "picked on" I surely mean "flirted with" which is a fine skill the three of us learned from somewhere. Since I am sure that this was not learned from Mom, I will take full credit for not only my own skills but those of my two younger brothers, as well.  Had Mother's Day been a week or two later, this may have been a bit of a different story. Shock enables you to coast through some pretty extraordinary events. The combination of shock and the need my siblings and I have to make sure others are taken care of, enabled us to hold our heads high and do a great deal more laughing than crying in the week immediately following Mom's death. The amount of smiles exchanged, even at the funeral, was nothing short of amazing. It took a few hard Mother's Days before a friend pointed out to me that although I had lost my own mother, I was a mother myself. This day was my day as much as it was hers. Immersing myself in joyful activities with my own daughter made it impossible to sulk the day away about the fact that I couldn't spend it with my own mother. I had to change the way I viewed the day and focus on the good instead of the bad. Mother's Day didn't get better, it got different.

Thanksgiving dinner, for as long as I could remember, had been held in our home. This meant that Mom would be up all night long cooking and cleaning. We would be joined by early afternoon by my grandparents and any number of other family members who were able to join us. My great grand mom, otherwise known as 'lil grand mom' due to the fact that I can't imagine she was a fraction of an inch over four feet tall, was also a yearly guest. There were countless different dishes to choose from. Every possible Thanksgiving dish you could possibly want was followed up by a wide variety of desserts. Each and every single one prepared by our mother. That is the pretty side of it. The aftermath is probably part of the reason that I am so horribly against